Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
3 2 1 whiskey
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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