i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
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