The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize