eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize