i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
