I looked at my own cervix.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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