also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
