You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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