So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
