Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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