I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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