girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
