I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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