There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
