I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
