Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
