So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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