So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
