my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
