What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
