her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
