Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
