My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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