If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
