you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
