i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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