I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
