You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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