guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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