so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
