dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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