Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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