my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
