That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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