I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
