remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Terrible idea I love it
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
