remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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