im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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