I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
