Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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