Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
