Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
