why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
