i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize