I feel like abortions should bother me more
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
