dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
