My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i love accidental penises.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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