I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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