He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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