The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just gargled with NyQuil
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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