from now on my penis is your penis
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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