Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize