I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
