Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
