fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
