Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
