whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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