I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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