The maid of honor just puked.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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