I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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