i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
