I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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