So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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