hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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