Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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