Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
