Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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