i think my tv is drunk
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
