so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
