i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
