Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
