If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
