If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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