you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
